Tag Archives: Irony

In God We Trust?

7 Jan

A three-year long exercise in futility mercifully came to an end yesterday, as Chuck Grassley’s investigation into misuse of funds by televangelist scam artists concluded the thieves did nothing illegal. Not even Kenneth Copeland, Creflo Dollar, Paula White, or Eddie Long – the four that decided cooperation with the same government that gives them tax-exempt status was not an option.

The entire Christian machine backed the criminals, for fear they too might have to one day face judgement for their actions. It’s all about Freedom of Religion. The lack of a “wall of separation” between church and state. In other words, as long as you throw the name of God into the mix, you can get away with whatever the hell you want. The Almighty trumps the I.R.S. every time. (Well, except the time Jimmy Carter instructed the I.R. S. to deny tax-exempt status to any private school that refused to end discriminatory policies. Thus forcing the birth of the Moral Majority, and we all know how that turned out.)

After all, this is a Christian Nation. And the very same people who will fight to the death to turn America into a theocracy are the very same people who would declare war against the government if our chosen faith were that of Islam…

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Scoops and Predictions

3 Jan

Christians know with certainty that so-called “ObamaCare” will not be repealed, nor will Lady Gaga’s soon to be released album be the best-selling album of all time, nor will the Red Sox win this year’s World Series. Ridiculous, you say. One thing that should be a lock is Boston, with all their recent acquisitions. Sorry, but God has spoken.

According to Scripture, the world will come to an end on May 21, 2011. Not enough time for Republicans to kill healthcare reform. Not enough time for any album to set records. Not enough time to get to the Fall Classic.

From Tom Breen, of the A.P:

RALEIGH, N.C. – If there had been time, Marie Exley would have liked to start a family. Instead, the 32-year-old Army veteran has less than six months left, which she’ll spend spreading a stark warning: Judgment Day is almost here.

Exley is part of a movement of Christians loosely organized by radio broadcasts and websites, independent of churches and convinced by their reading of the Bible that the end of the world will begin May 21, 2011.

Ridiculous, you say. Matthew 24:36 states that no one can know the exact date when Jesus is supposed to return to save the people he wants to save from unbearable suffering here on earth and then eternal torment burning in the flames of hell. If you’re dumb enough to believe that nonsense – that no one can know – you must not be a true Christian. Human intelligence has evolved beyond the scope of Jesus’ teachings. In essence, we’re smarter than God.

This urgent revelation, about the world coming to and end and stuff, comes from none other than the President. That’s Harold Camping, President of the largest Christian radio conglomerate, Family Stations, Inc. He’s the same guy who said the Rapture would occur in September of 1994. In October of 1994, he said he had miscalculated. But now, he’s got it right. What if he’s wrong again?

According to Allison Warden, another true believer: “If May 21 passes and I’m still here, that means I wasn’t saved. Does that mean God’s word is inaccurate or untrue? Not at all.”

Whatever…

Finally…

27 May

It took long enough, but now we know the truth. Although technically the Deepwater Horizon was owned by Transocean, although technically the Deepwater Horizon was leased to British Petroleum, although technically the Deepwater Horizon’s Port of Registry was Majuro, of the Marshall Islands, although technically the Deepwater Horizon was built by Hyundai Heavy Industries, although technically the Deepwater Horizon was upgraded in 2002 with an “e-drill” maintenance and troubleshooting monitor, although technically the Deepwater Horizon’ s casing cementing procedure was done by Halliburton contractors, there is only one individual responsible for the worst man-made disaster in history.

That individual is President Barack Obama.

We have the evidence on tape. During today’s news conference, the President admitted in unequivocal terms that he alone was to blame. If ever there were an impeachable offense, this is it. Lest we forget, eleven people died the day the rig went up in flames.

Why is this man not in prison?

The truth about us.

25 May

The American people support the white Anglo-Saxon majority which founded our nation and continues to lead us forward. We oppose homosexuals, blacks and Latinos. They have no place in our Christian nation. We frown upon expanding gun rights, better healthcare, tax cuts for the middle class, and job increases. Most of all, we despise hope.

We hold these truths to be self-evident – the polls have shown us the light.

Our very democracy is threatened by the possibility that our military personnel may have to bunk with gays. The vast majority of Americans support the Arizona law, in which any fellow American with brown skin can and must be arrested if they don’t have proof of citizenship on their person at all times. Property rights should supercede the civil rights of blacks. The only reason Barack Obama is President is because every black person in the country voted for him, even though he’s a Muslim, and not even an American. Our children will be finally be taught the truth about the faith our founding fathers built this nation upon, thanks to the brave members of the Texas School Board.

President Obama has thrice given gun owners more freedoms – who is he to tell us what we can and cannot do? Once republicans explained the horrors of Obamacare no one in their right mind could support it. The stimulus bill, Obama’s response to Bush’s bank bailouts, was wildly unpopular. Who the hell wants tax cuts? What gives the President the right to force us to work?

Finally, the ultimate rejection of Obama’s fascist, socialist, Nazi agenda came from none other than Sarah Palin. “How’s that hopey-changey thing workin’ out for ya?’, has stirred the nation.

It is our duty as straight, white, Christians to take back our country.

God bless the United States of America!